Today, I had a lot on my mind. As I drove Nikolai to school I was only half-listening to him talk on and on about his never ending stream of new ideas. A hug, a kiss, a few rounds of paper rock scissors, and a "have a good day, i love you" line, and he was out of the car and off to school. Next it was time to drop off Alexandria, that's the hardest part of my day, I cry every time I leave her, even when she's happy. I should be happy that I have free daycare. It's a wonderful place with wonderful people. I only have to leave her for 3 hours a day, and she hasn't went very much at all because she's been sick. I really quite prefer her to stay with me all the time, but it's so much easier to clean, run errands, grocery shop, turn in applications, and the other odd jobs I always seem to be doing.
I started crying as I thought about everything that was falling apart or just not going our way. I've been praying and praying for things to fall into place. Just when things seem to be too bad, one good thing happens. Just as we're about to be broke, we suddenly have enough money to make it a few more weeks. Yesterday, my wheel busted, we got the spare on, and it'll probably be on for a while. Oil change due, overdue by several thousand miles, first time we've let it go like that. The car and truck both needs a new thermostat. The truck needs a $900.00 job and new tires. Logan's grandmother is battling breast cancer and suddenly has a bad infection in her gallbladder and with no immune system from chemo, it's just not good. I can't get a job, that's the one I'm stressing over the most. I have 5 years of college under my belt and can not get a job. Ya see, I screwed myself over by not getting any experience along the way. Now that I'm done with school, I just want to stay home with my kids. Sometimes I just feel so hopeless. Typing this out, I feel like I'm not naming most of my troubles and at the same time I feel like I really have nothing to complain about. My family is healthy and we are getting by. That's what matters.
My dad keeps telling me to smile and to trust in the Lord. "He'll never put more on you than you can handle." I've heard that all my life, but when things are tough, it's hard to relax and trust at the same time. Just smile. Just breathe. Just trust. I seem to be having trouble with these simple instructions throughout my day.
But sitting here watching my children play, it's very clear. I have something special, so incredibly miraculously special. I have three smart and beautiful children that make my life worth living. I have a reason to smile and enjoy.
He knows what he is doing. He's doing what's best for us. We will trust him. We will be okay.
We're going to be just fine, my special family and me.