Hospital Stay

I'll never forget the first time I saw Alexandria smile. She was laying in my arms. It was the early hours of the morning like 1 or 3 a.m. It was just me and her in the room. She wasn't even a day old yet. You may not believe she could smile in response to anything yet, and you may believe it was just gas, but I know in my heart that she heard me. She heard me say "I love you Alexandria". She heard it and responded by flashing a big grin. To be honest, I think this was the first time I told her I loved her. I did not try to become pregnant and a part of me was excited and a part of me was upset, simply just because of the timing. When I had Alexandria, I think my hormones were really messed up. I knew I loved her, I knew my life would never be the same without her, yet I didn't feel that immediate bond that I felt with Nikolai and Victoria. I have kept that to myself until now. I'm embarrassed by it but it's the truth. I didn't immediately feel bonded to the daughter I carried for 9 months and had just given birth to. I knew that feeling wasn't right. I didn't know what to do about it and I was too embarrassed to tell anybody. I knew I loved her because she was my daughter, but I told her I loved her not only because I did but because I had to say it to try and feel at least a tiny bit of that bonded feeling I was so urgently missing. I felt awful, and I just wanted to cry. But when she smiled at me, I knew that that was a message from God. I knew he place Alexandria in my life for a reason and I knew then that I would be bonded for her for the rest of my life but I just had to give it time to grow. And it did :)

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