The Third Pregnancy.
Oh, the joy of a third pregnancy. The unexpected third pregnancy. I found out on March 28th, 2012, exactly one month before my wedding that I was pregnant again. I figured I was about 6 weeks pregnant and I was right. I definitely wanted more children and was experiencing a little bit of the baby fever, but I did not intend on having another child for at least a few more years. I wanted to wait and have two more children very close together. Now, wasn't the time. I was about to get married, graduate college, and begin a new graduate program that included harder classes and more internships. We were also talking about buying our own house. So, to me, this pregnancy couldn't have came at a worse time. To be completely honest, I was not very happy at first. I said some mean things to myself and Logan. I wished that I was not pregnant. Of course, I felt like an awful parent and person for saying such a thing. I love children. I guess the uncertainty of how my life was about to change stressed me out. I have two beautiful children that seem so perfect, how do I add a third child? Where do I put a third child? A part of me was happy and a part of me was not. My wedding plans began to slide as I had more important matters on my mind. My wedding was not exactly what I wanted and it was completely my fault. I still married the man I love and that's all that matters. I made the decision not to go to the doctor until after my wedding. I began taking prenatal vitamins and felt better knowing the reason why I was bloated, tired, and couldn't lose weight. I did not experience much morning sickness, but I did feel rough so I laid in bed a lot which made me feel like a bad parent to my two wonderful children who didn't understand why mommy was grouchy and didn't want to play. We ended up telling most people about the pregnancy before the wedding. Their joking responses annoyed me and hurt my feelings. I decided I would act like it didn't bother me, but really it did.
The day after I found out I was pregnant.
After my wedding.
Baby's first picture.
At nearly 28 weeks pregnant I still feel aggravated and grouchy and I don't feel like playing very often. I am still uncertain about how many things are going to happen. It disheartens me that I won't be able to breastfeed for very long unless I pump and I never got much milk when I pumped the last time. I'm also going to have to leave my new baby with someone I don't know, (daycare) while I work at my internship. I've been able to be home with my two kids nearly their whole lives and now after approximately two months I'll have to put my new baby in some strangers care. A stranger that will get to spend more time with my baby than me. I have fears that my new baby will bond to this person instead of me. And after I begin working, I wonder if this new baby will ever have much of a chance to bond with me at all. I have so many fears this pregnancy and I'm praying that things will go just how they are supposed to go. I keep telling myself that God knows what he is doing. He blessed me with a child and I know he will provide a way.